These are the days...

I went to SoCal last weekend. It was unbelievably hard to come back from there. On the drive back I was sitting there thinking, when did I become that girl? The girl that works a summer on an island.. The girl that takes weekend roadtrips to visit with friends cuz they aren't all in one place.. Sometimes it feels like it's someone else's life. Cuz how did I get so blessed in this life?

Now I'm at a crossing of roads. I've found it. Home... Love... Belonging... Joy...
And I had to leave it all. I had to go "home" to a city I have no attachment to.. a school that has the ghosts of past mistakes.. a place that's not my home. I had to come back. To finish a semester in a major that I can't and don't want to excel in. I don't want to have any more to do with it, but I've had no other direction for so long I suffered through. Only now that I've found direction, I don't want to suffer through it anymore. But I have to. I have to do well in these classes so I can transfer to CSULB next fall and start the next chapter of my life.

So this weekend was quite packed with excitement. I didn't even find out for sure that I'd be going to CBS until Friday when I was getting on the train to leave. I took Amtrak for 5 hours to meet up with a friend from highschool in the Santa Cruz area and 2 or her work friends, driving the rest of the way down to L.A., bringing us in at 1am. Had a rushed breakfast in the morning and headed off to the island with Lauren B & Aaron H, surprising most of the people over there. I swear, stepping off that boat onto the pier, I already felt refreshed and so at home. Getting to see Stuart was definitely a highlight of my weekend. I hope it was able to brighten his week a little bit too. Watched people work hard.. had a great family style dinner.. played some volleyball.. talked under the stars till we were too cold to stay out any longer.. and made some more memories that are definitely up to par with some great ones from this summer.

Sunday, which I can't believe was only yesterday, Stuart, Aaron, & Lauren tried to work it so we could stay a bit later, but it wasn't to be and we parted ways with the island after only 23 hours. The rest seems like a rush and a blur to get home, filled with goodbyes and half-baked plans for next visits, even saying goodbye to tiny Bernard.. my friend Amanda's hamster who didn't make the trip back to Santa Cruz. I think I was able to cram in some quality time with all people involved, but still.. they sure made it hard to say goodbye.

And now I find myself missing my heart. I left it there, with those people and that amazing place. There are tiny fragments of it in a few of the people here in Sacramento, but the majority of it is there and I feel like a shell of a person being so far from it.. hollow and purposeless. Which makes it very difficult to function "normally" as I have in weeks past. I didn't even go to any of my classes today cuz I didn't do any of the homework this weekend and my heart isn't in it so why bother. But after resting up and doing some serious thinking I'm trying hard to pull it together for this last leg.. these last 2 and 1/2 months until I can follow this passion I've found. To somehow channel it all and all the people waiting for me in SoCal and focus. Like I've never focused before. Good luck me... ttfn.

p.s. Way to not be a teen anymore, Eric...