So, I know I said I’d be writing in this intermittently but unforeseen problems came up and I was without my computer for about five weeks. I know, I know.. “How did I possibly survive?” but it wasn’t too bad. I don’t have it back completely yet but there’ll be a little upsurge of activity at least this week. Yay!
This blog marks the longest I’ve been away from Sacramento in my entire life… 83 days, or a little over 11 weeks. It’s been a crazy ride so far. I came here expecting to be leading OTS (opportunity to serve) by now but it’s been like so many other areas in my life teaching me to be flexible and patient and I’m so glad for where I am now. Most of you know that I’m working in the kitchen. Pretty hard core working in the kitchen. Most days I’m relied upon to make all the breads and desserts for the day, in other words, I’m the baker of the kitchen. And I absolutely love it. I love the experience I’m getting just for life in general.
A couple months ago, when I first got to Catalina island, one of my really good friends asked me why I was doing this. Why was I leaving everything and everyone I knew. I thought I’d share with everyone else that e-mail about my motivation for being here and where I am now in those respects…
So, what has led me to working on an island away from family and friends and everything I know... There are a couple different reasons, not sure really where to start. I guess I'll start at the fact that I'm completely burnt out at school. I was a fairly good student. Up until I declared math (halfway through juniour year) I had around a 3.75 gpa from mostly A's and a few B's. My last 3 semesters I've failed 2 classes each semester. I've learned in a classroom setting too long and I feel like I can't do that anymore for a while. Don't get me wrong, I'm going back to school soon and getting a degree, just not right now. And I've decided to change my major so that means I won't be graduating any time soon enough to stick with it. But then I'm not completely sure yet that I want to change it to Accounting cuz the last time I picked something it was completely wrong so I wanna be more sure this next time. So, a break from school is the first reason or circumstance that put me here.
Secondly, most people that know me know I'm pretty introverted. I mean, I can be exciting and energetic and hang out with lots of people, but that drains me so much. IV has been great for me but a lot of times I crash afterward. Like if I hit one extreme I soon hit the other one going into a sulking/depression-like state. Sometimes it's really hard for me to get away and recharge enough to be social. The few people that know about it call them my "quiet days" and they were fairly frequent especially 2 semesters ago. I realized after the summer that I couldn't remember a single time where me hitting that low was as drastic and noticeable here as it had been in Sacramento. Then I recognized that it was because of my environment. When I was here, within a couple of hours of feeling like I needed space from people and stuff, I could get away and recharge, whether it was to drag a chair onto the little patch of sand by the water and watch the waves crash while listening to music/writing to someone and letting the water wash up onto my feet.. or walking up to the top of the hill by this cross that's up there and looking out at the expanse of ocean and talking to God.. or just taking a nap. I really missed that this past semester. Cuz I'd be at a small group or at a bus stop and start feeling really antsy. Like really bad, like I needed to get away and out of my skin, but I couldn't. That was really hard cuz I knew there was a place that I left that if I were there I'd be able to get away. That's part of the reason I feel like CBS is more home than Sacramento ever was to me. That's just speaking of the actual place. CBS was the first time I ever in my life have felt attached to a place. Part of my heart is here and I think it always will be. That's not to say that I didn't leave some parts of my heart in Sacramento with so many people. That's why I was so overwhelmed at my goodbye party. Cuz I feel so attached to the people that were there and it was so great to see that it is reciprocated. And in that night I did doubt if it was worth it to leave.
The third reason might be a little selfish and mean but I really think that I need to be honest about it. I need space from my family. Every moment I was spending with them, which was kind of a lot considering I lived with them, I was irritable and not fun to be around. I was annoyed by everything my parents would say to me and felt like they couldn't treat me like an adult as long as I was still living with them. Like, if my mom didn't tell me to do something it wouldn't get done or that I wasn't responsible enough to take the consequences of not doing it, if that makes sense. It was anything from reminding me to call the jury commission to move my date (something that I was the one who told them I was going to do in the first place), to choosing to wear flip-flops when it's 65 degrees out. Or they'd tell me to do something that I was going to do or in the process of doing but as soon as they told me to do it I didn't want to do it any more cuz then their mindset would be that I only did it because they told me to which just perpetuates the problem. So I felt, and feel, that the only way to have a healthy relationship with my parents right now is to have some space from them, 400 miles of space to be exact. That way they can start to realize that I am an adult that can live and survive independently from them, and I can start acting like more of an adult and be more mature in my reactions to them and other people that might not always agree with my methods of doing things.
Another thing that I've been dealing with is my feelings of loneliness. Me struggling with being alone and what God wants with me in that state. To be completely honest, part of it is the idea of being on this island with a limited number of prospects in boyfriends, which gives me something else to blame for my singleness other than myself. Cuz that's where I was. I was in a self-destructive mode because I knew the only common denominator in every failed attempt at some relationship was me, so I must be the problem. I know it's untrue and completely unfair to me but that's the lie I was feeding myself and I'm believing it. So I wanted to go to a place where that wouldn't be as much of an issue. I mean, people have been known to get into relationships here, I can think of 3 just off the top of my head of people I know personally that it happened, but it's not nearly as high as, say, IV.
Lastly and probably the most significant thing is that I need to reconnect with God. I've been stagnant at best with my relationship with him and I'm really suffering for it. And I'm hoping that this will be the jumpstart I need to get back on track and grow up spiritually.
So, I'd say those are the main reasons and circumstances that have led me to where I am now. So where am I now? Still burnt out from school, but I have a feeling that’s gonna take a bit longer to get over since I was in school for 17.5 years and I’ve only been “out of it” for 4 months. The introvert is getting plenty of recharge time and it’s so amazing. Having my InterVarsity out here was so amazing, cuz it was like the best of both worlds and I’ve missed them sorely since they’ve left. I like that our house (the girl’s cottage) is a second staff lounge where people come to play Monopoly or Twister or watch movies/Friends. Most of the time I’m up for hanging out with people, but if I need to, I can just go upstairs and read or sleep and that’s great. I think my relationship with my parents is getting better too. I actually find myself wanting to call them and tell them what’s going on with me almost every week. I mean, our relationship is still far from perfect and there’s stuff I’m dealing with working through, but I think we’re at least in a healthier place. The loneliness.. still an issue, but again, I think I’m getting better slowly. I just fear attaching myself to any guy close enough to my age that might come along for a week or as permanent staff. But so far, so good. And I do think I’m reconnecting with God since I’ve been here. Definitely not as much as I’d hoped at this point, but I’ve had more time for reflection and processing what God has been telling me. I think it’s easier for me to hear Him out here too. There’s still tons of distractions, but I’ve opened myself up more to hear Him and He’s showing me so many people that He’s working through and giving me so much hope for my life. Also, having so many Sacramento people out here in the last month has been such a blessing and affirmation that I really am where I’m supposed to be. My parents came out for a weekend and I’ve just gotten this overwhelming amount of support from them and everybody that they know I’m in the right place and that’s the best thing I could ask for from any of them.
Wow, well there’s a huge blog for everybody to make up for the months of silence. Hopefully, it’ll even out now with shorter blogs but shorter times between them.
p.s. Don’t forget that I am on an island and therefore, the news I get is very delayed in getting here, so keep me in the loop please!
